The Full Spectrum Page 26

  I interrupt. “Oh. My. Lord. That was you?” I begin to have a breakdown. “I went to a movie with Devon that night, about an hour after you talked with him. He told me all about your conversation.”

  Jamie's eyes widen, as does her smile.

  “After we close, we need to talk.” She leaves to help some customers who just walked in, leaving me to melt like a summer snowman.

  What's happening?

  We sit on the curb behind the store. The sun is setting, which means we'll only have an hour to talk before it's dark.

  “Okay, Jamie. Tell me everything.”

  “Well, I was in Ashland about two months ago shopping at the co-op. As I was leaving, I saw this guy who had the most haunting blue eyes I've ever seen and, I dunno … he looked so sad. I instantly felt like God wanted me to encourage him, but I couldn't. I mean, how awkward would that be? For me and for him.

  “But I kept seeing him around town…. I saw him every-where … and God kept prompting me to go say something. But I refused. What would I say? It was just too intrusive. I mean, I know what it'd be like if someone came up to me.

  “So I shared the story with my best friend at church and we prayed together about it … about him. I prayed for him every night for weeks. Prayed that he'd have peace … that God would place people in his life to love him.

  “I prayed and I cried for a complete stranger. My heart literally felt like it was breaking in my chest. I've had burdens for people before, but this was completely different.” She begins to tear, confirming her sincerity.

  I want to chime in, want to tell her that my story is similar, but I'm too overwhelmed to articulate anything coherent.

  “Whenever I saw him around town, I'd get these visions … and I don't mean … y'know …” She wiggles her fingers dramatically. “I mean, I just saw things. Like him looking into a mirror and seeing a perfect reflection. Simple things like that. Weird, huh?”

  She doesn't have a clue how weird it really is. When Devon and I were waiting in line to see the latest summer blockbuster, he shared with me that he had a recurring nightmare as a kid where he'd look into a mirror and see a distorted, twisted reflection. I contemplate telling her this, but she continues before I have the chance.

  “So last Tuesday, when I was walking downtown and saw him, I just broke down … started crying. I sat on the curb with my two friends and we just prayed. I had no clue what I was going to say to him, I just knew I had to say something. So we followed him … knocked on his door … asked this guy if we could talk with him.

  “He came out and my mouth just started going. I asked him if he'd ever been discouraged or hurt. He said he had, like anyone would. So I just told him to hold on … to not let go because God had a plan for him. That things were going to get better, that something great was about to happen. ‘Just hold, just hold on,’ I kept telling him.

  “I really don't know how he took it. His eyes kept shifting. I could tell it was awkward for him. I mean, it was awkward for me, too. I can't imagine what he was thinking.”

  “Well, he told me what he thought about it,” I offer.

  “What did he say?”

  I repeat what Devon told me.

  “He thought I was hitting on him?” She looks devastated.

  “Well, he thought it was a possibility. I really didn't know what to say to him. I felt so divided.”

  “Maybe I should have said more. I don't know. It was kind of vague.”

  We both sit in silence.

  “So how do you know Devon?” Jamie asks.

  I stare at her, unsure of how much I should say. I figure the whole situation is too bizarre for me to hold anything back, so I jump into the water, knowing full well that the temperature is going to sting.

  “Jamie, remember when you asked me about a rumor you heard—maybe two months ago—and I just brushed it off?” Her expression tells me she doesn't remember. “Well, the rumor is true. I'm gay. I wanted to tell you, I was just nervous, I guess … of how you'd react.”

  I keep talking. I don't let her get a word in for fear she'd start condemning me. I talk about scripture and theology. I talk about the two years I spent in ex-gay counseling. I talk about the wonderful things I've seen God do in and through me as a result of my orientation, once I embraced it.

  I realize that I've avoided eye contact through my entire rant. So, mustering the mustard seed of courage within me, I look back, preparing for the worst.

  Her eyes are soft and watery. Her smile is muted, but genuine.

  “Rob. I want to tell you that from the very first day you started working here, I knew you were a man of compassion. I could see how much love was in you. And it saddens me that you'd feel scared to talk with me.” She starts crying. “I want it to be obvious that I'm a person of compassion. That I'm safe to talk to. It's all about loving people. That's all … loving people. Rob, I'd never judge you. Never.”

  I want to cry, but I have no tears. I want to thank her, but I have no breath. I mouth a silent thank-you.

  Silence.

  “Rob, this is so weird.”

  What an understatement.

  I tell Jamie about my prayers for Devon … about how I've felt a unique burden for him, too.

  This is heavy. Too heavy for me.

  I have absolutely no clue what my role is in Devon's life.

  None.

  No clue.

  What once seemed like a happy romance now seems like a divine conspiracy … a conspiracy so big and so obvious that it doesn't even seem real. I second-guess everything.

  I'm petrified I'm going to screw things up.

  Maybe I already have.

  4.

  I'm walking to my car in the dark, but I can tell the sun is rising.

  Sky colors again whisper commentary on the sun's movements behind the hills, but this time in reverse.

  Everything feels alive and fresh at dawn. I'm a fan of beginnings.

  I start my car and turn onto the roads that will take me to the coffee shop. I remember vowing to experience more sunrises months ago, and thanks to my new work schedule, I get to experience a new sunrise each morning of the week. I smile at the irony.

  Waking before dawn makes me feel like an adult, like reading the newspaper with my legs crossed or writing a check to pay for health insurance. I must be growing up.

  I've grown up a lot this year.

  I've grown up a lot in the past three months.

  I've learned that there's purpose behind everything, if one stops to look for it. The people I meet, work with, date, or bump into at the grocery store all play integral roles in my dramedy of a life. I owe a lot to these friends, these co-workers, crushes, and strangers, for without their contribution to my life, I'd be without one—at least one worth sharing.

  I think back on the next night, eating dinner with Jamie before she left for an internship in Los Angeles. It's marvelous how we came together. She will always be special to me.

  Our dinner conversation naturally drifted to Devon. I told her that he and I were no longer dating, that he was dating someone else. I told her I wasn't disappointed, that it was better this way. Things-That-Should-Be always have a way of changing into Things-That-Are. I no longer question my role in his life, for at last it has been defined by our new circumstance. I will be Devon's friend and confidant. I will continue to invest in him, continue to hope for him.

  I will continue to love him.

  I know that something good always comes from love.

  I roll down my window, allowing the morning air to chill my cheeks.

  Everything feels alive and fresh at dawn.

  I'm a fan of beginnings.

  Acknowledgments

  We gratefully acknowledge the following for permission to use their work in this book.

  “O.K.” copyright © 2006 by Courtney Gillette. o “A Gay Grammar” copyright © 2006 by Gabe Bloomfield. • “It's Not Confidential, I've Got Potential” copyright © 2006 by Eugenides Fico. • “
Snow and Hot Asphalt” copyright © 2006 by Benjamin Zumsteg. • “When You're a Gay Boy in America” copyright © 2006 by Danny Zaccagnino. • “I Smell the Gas of My Father's Fishing Boat” copyright © 2006 by Adam K. Boehmer. • “Fourth of July” copyright © 2006 by Lauren Rile Smith. • “MY DIARY: DOCUMENTED. DONE.” copyright © 2006 by L. Canale. • “Crying Wolfe” copyright © 2006 by Jack Lienke. • “Trans-ventures of an F2M” copyright © 2006 by Alexzander Colin Rasmussen. • “Queer: Five Letters” copyright © 2006 by Kat Wilson. • “Falling Off My Bike and Riding into the Sunset” copyright © 2006 by Christopher Wilcox. • “The Night Marc Hall Went to the Prom” copyright © 2006 by J. J. Deogracias. • “Don't Tell Me That I'm Overly Sensitive and Paranoid” copyright © 2006 by Alex Weissman. • “My poems” copyright © 2006 by Isaac Oliver. • “Sacagawea” copyright © 2006 by Laura Heston. • “A Fairy's Tale” copyright © 2006 by Travis Stanton. • “A Boy in the Girls' Bathroom” copyright © 2006 by Dylan Forest. • “Our Space” copyright © 2006 by Jovencio de la Paz. • “Four Photos” copyright © 2006 by Justin Levesque. • “Break-up in Slow Motion” copyright © 2006 by Joshua Dalton. • “A Story Called ‘Her’ ” copyright © 2006 by Alison Young. • “Moment: This Could've Been Me” copyright © 2006 by Evin Hunter. • “A Quietly Queer Revolution” copyright © 2006 by Laci Lee Adams. • “Hatchback” copyright © 2006 by Kaitlyn Tierney Duggan. • “Walking the Tracks” copyright © 2006 by Eric Knudsen. • “The Most Important Letter of Our Life” copyright © 2006 by JoSelle Vanderhooft. • “Without a Trace” copyright © 2006 by Anthony Rella. • “body isn't this” copyright © 2006 by Zara Iris. • “Nice Ass” copyright © 2006 by Jesse Cameron Alick. • “Girl + Faggots” copyright © 2006 by Caspian Gray. • “Something for the Ladies” copyright © 2006 by Danny Thanh. • “Click and Drag” copyright © 2006 by Joel de Vera Moncada. • “Jill Sobule and Four Other Torture Devices” copyright © 2006 by Ella Pye. • “Gaydar” copyright © 2006 by Jesse Bernstein. • “The Short Version” copyright © 2006 by Grover Wehman. • “All You Need Is Love” copyright © 2006 by Stefanie Davis. • “That Night” copyright © 2006 by Matthew Mayo. • “Continuation of the Life” copyright © 2006 by Tyrell Pough. • “Three Sunsets” copyright © 2006 by Robert Brittain.

  About GLSEN

  GLSEN, or the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network, is the leading national education organization focused on ensuring safe schools for all students. GLSEN envisions a future in which every child learns to respect and accept all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression. For more information on GLSEN's research, educational resources, public-policy agenda, student-organizing programs, or development initiatives, visit www.glsen.org.

  According to David Levithan, Billy Merrell is the sweet and talented author of Talking in the Dark, a poetry memoir he completed when he was twenty-one. In 2006 he will turn twenty-four, marking the first year he would have been ineligible to be in this collection. He is a graduate of the University of Florida and the MFA program at Columbia University. He currently lives in New York City with his boyfriend, Nico; their pug-child, Paisley; and some guy named Nick who has nice hair. He is not the heir to the Merrell shoe fortune.

  To find out what Billy's really like, visit www.talkinginthedark.com.

  According to Billy Merrell, David Levithan is the new green, which was the new black. This is perhaps how he managed to write five books (Boy Meets Boy, The Realm of Possibility, Are We There Yet?, Marly's Ghost, and Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist, written with Rachel Cohn) in the time it took Billy to finish school. He lives in Hoboken, New Jersey, because it has the best view of the city. He loves his viewfinder because it is the best way to look at his life.

  To get an approximation of the full David Levithan experience, check out his imaginatively titled www.davidlevithan.com.

  For more information about the contributors in this anthology, as well as other writing on the young LGTBQ experience, go to www.queerthology.com.

  THIS IS A BORZOI BOOK PUBLISHED BY ALFRED A. KNOPF

  KNOPF, BORZOI BOOKS, and the colophon are registered trademarks of Random

  House, Inc.

  www.randomhouse.com/teens

  Educators and librarians, for a variety of teaching tools, visit us at

  www.randomhouse.com/teachers

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  The full spectrum : a new generation of writing about gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender,

  questioning, and other identities / edited by David Levithan and Billy

  Merrell. — 1st ed.

  p. cm.

  eISBN: 978-0-307-48519-9

  1. Gay youth. 2. Sexual minority youth. 3. Sexual orientation. 4. Gender identity.

  5. Gay youths' writings. I. Levithan, David. II. Merrell, Billy. III. Title.

  HQ76.27.Y68F85 2006

  306.76'6'0835—dc22

  2005023435

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  v3.0