The Realm of Possibility Read online

  he asks.

  no hello

  no greeting kiss

  for me to avoid.

  no, he wants to

  know how i am

  and i can't stop

  thinking

  you care

  too much—

  don't you know

  i'm bound

  to leave

  you?

  he reaches into

  his bag. he rustles

  and digs and

  rummages until

  finally

  he takes out

  all his books

  to find me

  a crushed

  paper crane

  that his sister

  has made.

  a thousand

  for peace

  and one

  for me.

  look at it

  fly, he says,

  but before

  he can send it

  through the halls,

  i touch

  his arm and

  he puts it

  in my hands

  and puts his

  fingers under mine,

  cupping the crane

  as he says it

  again,

  look at it

  fly.

  iv.

  who was it

  who invented

  size zero?

  who was it

  who promised

  that if you got

  to a certain point

  you would no

  longer be?

  v.

  his body is

  unbelievable.

  then i am

  touching it

  and i believe.

  he used to

  believe too

  but i think

  being with me

  has made him

  lose some of

  his faith. we

  are lying there

  and he says

  out of the blue

  i miss being

  ticklish.

  i would laugh

  at anything.

  he moves to

  tickle me. i know he's

  being playful,

  but i knock

  his hand away.

  i tell him to

  stop it.

  he says

  it used to

  be fun. then

  he says

  i worry

  about you

  and i tell him

  don't

  and he says

  that's exactly

  why.

  vi.

  at the mall

  elizabeth says

  is that all

  you're eating?

  and i tell her

  i'm having dinner

  later and she says,

  mary, it's nine.

  and i tell her

  i'm okay and

  she says that

  wasn't my

  question and

  i say you know

  it was and she

  says that's true.

  i just wanted

  to see if you

  knew it,

  too.

  vii.

  why won't they

  leave me

  alone?

  don't they

  realize i

  have a

  tinder heart

  and a

  paper body

  and that

  any spark

  will turn me

  straight to

  ash?

  viii.

  he takes me

  driving.

  he looks

  nervous

  and i wonder

  if he's taking

  me out to the

  woods to

  dump me.

  they might

  never find

  the body,

  i joke. he laughs

  but it's a laugh

  he has to

  think about

  first.

  we have a

  spot at an

  overlook.

  we always

  stop there

  to take in

  the hilly view.

  sometimes

  the picnic bench

  has families,

  other times

  drunks or bikers,

  but this time

  it's waiting

  just for us.

  pete takes out

  a basket of

  food and

  two beers.

  I nibble at

  the crackers

  and try not to

  think about them.

  we are a nice

  couple on a nice

  date.

  we talk about

  gossip and

  parents and

  exams and

  then he says

  he has something

  to tell me, and what

  he has to tell me

  is that i am

  not happy, not

  healthy, that i

  need help.

  it is not him

  talking. these

  are not the kind

  of words he

  uses. who put

  you up to this?

  i yell. who are you

  doing this for?

  and he says

  i'm doing it for you.

  i get mad. i

  am screaming

  at him that he's

  no better, that

  he's as trapped

  in his body

  as i am and that

  if he thinks

  all of his working

  out and obsession

  about his body

  is any different

  than what i worry

  about then he's

  stupid and deluded.

  and he says

  you're right,

  and he says

  i made him

  realize this

  before i even

  said a word.

  and he says

  he doesn't

  know what

  to do and i

  suggest he just

  give up on me

  and he says

  that's not

  an option.

  i tell him

  i want to go

  home. he stares

  for a second,

  takes me in,

  then says if

  that's what i want,

  we can. when we

  get back i storm

  out of the car

  and slam the door

  and when my mom

  asks me what's wrong

  i realize i can't tell

  anybody about this

  because i know

  they'll all agree

  with him.

  ix.

  i want

  him to

  give up.

  no.

  no, i

  don't.

  x.

  he starts

  working out

  less, only

  at practice,

  only when

  it's expected.

  not for me,

  but because

  of me.

  he says

  it's a matter

  of priorities

  he'd gotten

  wrong.

  it's not his body

  that changes

  right away.

  it's something

  inside. he says

  he wants to

  be a little

  weaker. i don't

  understand.

  i say thinner?

  and he says

  no, i want

  to be stronger

  in a different

  way. not

  because of me,

  but for me.

>   xi.

  elizabeth tells me

  it's all my

  decision.

  then we

  take out our

  sketchbooks

  and consider

  a tulip

  in her yard.

  i can barely

  lift

  the pencil. i

  feel that

  weighed

  down.

  xii.

  that night

  i am

  all alone

  in the house.

  my parents

  have left me

  for a movie.

  pete is at

  an away game.

  elizabeth is

  on a date.

  so my whole

  world is

  this empty

  house.

  i could just

  watch tv

  write some e-mail

  but instead

  i wander

  the house

  like a

  ghost.

  i run

  my hands

  over

  the piano.

  i score

  the silence.

  i tread

  through air.

  i feel

  gone.

  i feel

  like the

  shadow

  behind the

  shades.

  from room

  to room

  my bare feet

  on the

  bare floor

  my thoughts

  are air

  nowhere

  nothing

  is in me

  with me

  no moon

  no night

  i do not

  turn on

  the lights

  everything

  is where

  i know it

  to be

  beyond

  sight.

  i end up

  in the kitchen

  i end up

  in front of

  the refrigerator

  in front of

  the door

  i open

  quietly

  to be bathed

  in the light

  that would

  startle

  phantoms

  the light

  that makes me

  glow

  like a

  midnight

  visitation.

  and i stand

  there and i

  wonder what

  i am doing

  i wonder

  what

  i

  should

  do

  and i don't

  know i

  don't know

  i don't know

  what

  to do

  i don't

  know whether

  to take

  to hold

  to stay

  to walk away

  and i think

  that is it—

  that is

  everything

  and i sit

  on the

  kitchen tile

  and i stare

  into that

  light with

  all the plastic

  colors behind it

  all the

  cold that

  is not the

  real air

  all the feelings

  are dead

  inside me

  and i

  want them

  to be

  alive.

  xiii.

  at midnight

  i am

  at his

  front door.

  the question

  he asks is

  why are you

  so cold?

  and i say

  why are you so warm?

  as he's

  holding me

  close

  and he says

  i just am

  and still

  i can't

  say it.

  i follow

  him into

  the den

  quiet steps

  so his parents

  won't wake.

  he holds

  my hand

  and when we

  close the door

  and lean into

  the couch

  all he wants

  to do is

  talk

  but i put

  my finger

  to his lips

  i tell him

  to shhhh

  i take off

  his shirt

  trace the

  lines until

  he pulls

  me close

  holds

  me with

  such caring

  looks at me

  with such

  caring

  such open

  vulnerability

  i know

  he wants me

  to be the one

  who can break

  him

  but doesn't.

  and when he

  catches me

  off guard

  and says

  i love you

  i catch him

  off guard

  and say i need your help.

  Love songs for Elizabeth

  track one: something to you

  there was a time before you

  but I can't remember it now

  a time before your beauty and I

  were formally introduced

  I'm sure I lived without you

  but I don't remember how

  can't imagine living without

  these feelings you've produced

  just one glance

  and my life was redrawn

  just one word

  and my vocabulary changed

  I asked the time

  and you said what's the hurry?

  you asked my name

  and I almost forgot

  I know

  the odds are all against me

  and I know

  you might not feel this way too

  but I know

  I would rather die trying

  to know

  if I could mean something to you

  seven wonders of the world

  and I have to ask for an eighth

  fill a bottle with some prayers

  and spend them on hope

  create an easy route

  just so I can complicate

  send my heart down that

  slippery slope

  we're on

  our way to being friends

  and I guess I'd

  like to make a detour

  you seem

  to recognize me in the halls

  you wave hello

  and I lose all of my nerve

  I know

  the odds are all against me

  and I know

  you might not feel this way too

  but I know

  I would rather die trying

  to know

  if I could mean something to you

  I want this world

  small enough for the two of us

  I want you to think of me

  that way

  I want this world

  to crash us into marvelous

  I want you to kiss me

  and say:

  I know

  the odds are all against us

  and I know

  you feel this way too

  so I know

  I would rather die trying

  to know

  if I could mean something to you

  [repeat last verse]

  track two: you need a girl

  Forget about the guys who never call.

  Forget about the ones who set you up to see you fall.

  Princes leave you at the ball.

  Take a break
from guys who never see—

  Depressive jerks who want to say who you should be.

  Find the one who'll set you free. …

  You need a girl, need a girl, a girl who'll come through.

  You need a girl, need a girl, a girl who needs you.

  You've suffered through too many dates.

  You've fended off the ones who only want to mate—

  You're what they masturbate.

  They'll never see you have a mind.

  They'll always act like they're at least five years behind.

  Never knowing to be kind.

  You need a girl, need a girl, a girl who'll see you.

  You need a girl, need a girl, a girl who needs you.

  No more of the tired girl and boy.

  All the methods that your parents will deploy

  To keep you from your joy.

  Find the one who clearly understands

  That you don't have to land yourself a man.

  Give your side a hand.

  A girl, a girl, a girl

  You'll be amazed at what you've found

  With your spirits up and toilet seats placed face-down.

  Embraces all around.

  Sleep without that constant fear.

  Silent struggles, being distant when you're near.

  The answer is right here.

  You need a girl, a girl, a girl who needs you.

  You need a girl, a girl, a girl who loves you.